MEN'S ANGER REASSURES WOMEN
That's Why They Pick Fights With Significant Others
Below is the transcript from this video along with some comments by viewers.
Why WOMEN pick FIGHTS: anger is reassuring
The topic of today's short talk is why women pick fights. So this can be an exasperating phenomenon for a lot of the men out there, especially those in relationships. Why is it that your woman seems to create unnecessary difficulties? Why does she pick fights over small and insignificant things? Well, I'm here to explain to you why that might be the case. The key to understanding this phenomenon is appreciating that emotion is reinforcing. I didn't say positive emotion was reinforcing; I said emotion was reinforcing. Emotion of all kinds is reinforcing to women. You see this kind of response in children as well. For example, most children would rather experience negative attention than no attention at all, and this is what in part creates class clowns in grade school, or rebellious teenagers in adolescence. They would rather experience a parent's annoyance or judgment or anger or even rejection, than being functionally invisible to them. So emotion is reinforcing. That is, it's rewarding. With that in mind, we can also appreciate the truth of the converse. If all emotion is reinforcing, then it's not negative emotion that is punishing, it's the absence of emotion that is punishing. {That depends on whether there's physical abuse or not.}
Indeed, one of the most difficult things for a woman to tolerate in a relationship is the absence of emotion. The absence of emotion is experienced by most women as punitive, as punishing. This is why, if you ever want a certain behavior to disappear, it's better to respond with a neutral non-reinforcing reaction, than to respond with anger or frustration. The more unemotional the response, the less likely the eliciting behavior will be repeated in the future. And this is because the absence of emotion is punishing. And this is where a lot of guys get into trouble, because men, in part due to their temperament and in part due to socialization, are generally not very emotionally expressive. What's more, a man isn't always prepared to engage with a woman more or less on demand. Sometimes he's tired, sometimes he's preoccupied, sometimes he just wants to be left alone. In fact, there seem to be some important gender differences in how men and women tend to respond to emotional stressors.
Whereas women generally prefer to talk things out in order to feel better, men often prefer to like withdraw into the Batcave to solve the problem. Men like to go inside to isolate, to incubate, and to resolve the problem internally before emerging with a solution, or at least a plan of action. Of course, it would be very helpful for women to understand that, when men are disinterested in interacting with them, it doesn't necessarily mean that they have a problem with them. They just have a problem. It's occupying their attention and they don't want to cope with the problem in the same way that women do. And indeed it is probably in everyone's best interests if the man and the woman can gently avoid each other for a while, while the man goes through his process.
Unfortunately, many women push harder for connection at these times, mostly because they are treating their men the way that they would like to be treated, if they were in the same situation. And this typically creates an escalating crisis, because when a woman attempts to interact with a man in this state, she is met with a relative absence of emotion as the man has begun to withdraw within himself, and this withdrawal will typically be experienced by the woman as punishing, especially if she tends to be more anxious or insecure. She might begin to worry that something is wrong, and now the man has a new problem on his hands, that he didn't have before. ... Now when people are insecure or anxious, they tend to seek reassurance that everything is okay, and one of the ways that women can seek reassurance in relationships is by picking fights. I understand that from a masculine perspective this sounds ridiculous, but there is actually some validity to this perspective, namely an angry response reassures that you still care.
Allow me to explain. Back in the day, I got into a lot of trouble when I was a kid. Sometimes when I came home after getting up to no good, my dad would yell and scream and send me to my room and take away my privileges and so on. And it's like that sucked and my dad wasn't my favorite person in those moments. However once or twice I came home and told him what I got up to and braced myself from the worst. And nothing happened. He just kind of sat there quiet and exhausted. And I asked him, well aren't you going to punish me? And he just said no and turned away. And let me tell you, that's when I got really nervous, like I got scared that I had crossed the line once and for all and I was going to be put up for adoption. Do you understand, my father's anger wasn't nearly as distressing as his lack of anger, because when people can no longer be bothered to get angry, you can be fairly certain that the relationship is on its last legs. So if you're concerned that someone might be pulling away or someone might be looking for the door, one way to potentially seek reassurance of their continued commitment is to provoke their anger, because in a way, you demonstrate that the other is still invested enough to respond emotionally. On the other hand, if you were to respond to these provocations with boredom or indifference, then her anxiety is likely going to go through the roof.
And this explains the otherwise puzzling phenomenon that, when a woman is out of sorts picks a fight with you and actually succeeds in making you angry, she feels better. I know every man out there has experienced this. She feels better. As soon as your woman succeeds in making you angry, it's like all of her own anxiety and uncertainty just evaporates, allowing her to go on her Merry way. And since it generally takes men longer to return to emotional baseline than women, this leads to the psychotic experience of dealing with someone who just an hour ago was spiteful and aggressive, and who is now sweet and playful and acting like nothing happened. This happens because your anger reassured her, which allowed her to move past her anxiety and insecurity. Now do women do this consciously and intentionally. I'm sure that some of them do. However I'm also sure that most of them don't. And that's because most people are not conscious and intentional. So if it's true of people, it's going to be true of women. That might not make the phenomenon any easier to navigate, though it could potentially help you men respond effectively, if you believe that your woman isn't acting out of any particular malice, though of course there are malicious women in the world. But it's better to start by giving her the benefit of the doubt and escalating appropriately, than to proceed in the opposite direction. In a future episode I'll discuss how to never fight with a woman. However this is enough for today. What do you think does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below.
@TylerAnderson-xl6hb - 1 year ago - The irony is that a woman don't realize, if a man is on the fence about her or the relationship, picking fights only reassures the man that she's isn't the one for him. Why would a man want to bring upon unnecessary drama and turmoil into his life?
@RooftopKoreansMusic - 2 months ago - Women picking fights isn't always them outright picking a fight, they will also do passive aggressive things that they know the man doesn't like to cause him to lash out at her and then act like she doesn't understand what he's upset about... it's why women project the word "gaslighting" so much when they learned it last year... because they see themselves in it so well.
@partner348 - 2 months ago - "You’ll never win, because it’s not about being right. You can have absolute irrefutable evidence that she can’t refute, and she’ll just change what she’s fighting with you about faster than you can keep up & will change all facts — even ones she previously agreed were true — to whatever suits her argument."
@78JCarter - 1 year ago - Two decades of this and one day I just said “I am moving the f out.” Since then my life has become completely epic. It was one of my finest moments. Never tolerate this behavior. Life it too short.
@goodlookinouthomie1757 - 1 year ago - Honestly this is what destroyed my marriage. I had no idea why my wife was so determined to squabble about every little thing. And the thing in her case was if I did show any anger it immediately switched to "Now you're raising your voice" etc etc. My marriage seemed like one 15 year long shit test.
@ilia2178 - 1 year ago - My ex was like that and taught me a lot of bad habits over the years. I then started dating a much more sensible woman who picked up on it very quickly and told me these habits make it very difficult for her to deal with me. She had to re-teach me on how to communicate my emotions properly, never picked any unnecessary fights and gave me space to process.
@justinsellers9402 - 8 months ago - As an attorney, this explains the events that happen during a divorce so much.
@ZetZatar - 1 year ago - An old girlfriend once said to me "Every time we fight I feel a little bit closer" with a smile, as if it was a good thing. I replied truthfully "Every time we fight, I love you a little less."
@bigedslobotomy - 1 year ago - Another reason women feel better after picking at you until you explode, is that then they can be the VICTIM, and are absolved of all responsibility for what happens. If you don’t respond at all, they have to deal with the fact that THEY might be the problem, and that drives them crazy.
@tommiller7177 - 1 year ago - If she can't be a real queen, she can always be a drama queen.